If I think back to when I was in my twenties and having intimacy with one of my long term partners, I do not remember doing a lot of looking into each other’s eyes. What I do remember is how much I loved all the erotic pleasure I was feeling in my whole body. But it felt very singular like I was experiencing my feelings and yet he was there too, obviously experiencing his. There was no love or sharing. And although at this age it seemed fine, for long term relationships it is not sustainable.
Fast forward to five year ago, and at the age of 59 I learned a practice called Eye Gazing that made me feel something in my heart so beautiful that it almost felt a little overwhelming. It felt soft and spacious and warm and gooey and yummy and all those words. Mmmmm I liked it!
This practice is something I started doing with my husband Denny because it was part of my study in Sex Love and Relationship training specialising in Relationship Transformation.
Of course I was excited. He said he felt a little uncomfortable because he had never done it before and felt he might make a fool of himself. I said OK thanks for being honest and might you be keen to continue and he nodded! I set the timer on my iPhone for 3 minutes. And yes we both starting nervously laughing, well him more than me! But I reminded him to breathe and we kept going. I can still remember to this day we both said Oh Wow I actually feel something in my chest indicating with our hands towards our heart areas.
So this is a connection practice for any couple who would like to try it, knowing it might make you want to eye gaze more often. During sensual play and deep erotic intimacy the pleasure can accelerate when you become super present with each other, as you make eye contact.
I want to emphasise it is important for both people to be up for it. Eye Gazing is not for everyone as it can feel super overwhelming and this is not what you are meant to be feeling. So go super gently and decide if it is something you want to keep experimenting with.
Once you are ready, spend some time getting into a super comfortable position where you either sit or lie next to each other. We prefer lying on our sides next to each other on our bed.
Now gently gaze into each other’s eyes, with a soft focus, with 50% of your attention on what you are feeling ie. the sensations, thoughts and feelings that arise inside, and about 50% on your partner, gazing ever so softly into their eyes and sensing what might be going on for them.
One tip is to focus your gaze on one eye at a time, rather than try to focus on them both, as it could cause blurriness!
Be mindful of your breath and notice if you might like to deepen it
Something to consider during this practice is to let things be the way they are - not trying to change anything here - just letting yourself feel what you feel, let any sensations be the way they are, and let any thoughts come and go.
And just keep breathing and gazing softly with awareness into your partner’s eyes.
This practice will help you connect deeply, beneath the mind and mental layer, into the somatic layer, the unconscious layer and the emotional layer.
I find a couple that regularly does this practice can often feel much more bonded, unified and connected.
This is one of many connection practices that can increase the natural sense of safety, love and intimacy that is possible with a couple who want to experience erotic intimacy
Denny and I practice Eye Gazing when we feel disconnected and want to come back into our hearts with each other.
Yes it takes practice - but only 3-5 minutes when you first start or 10 minutes if you are really enjoying it
It can be used before sensual play as part of your foreplay or to reconnect when you feel out of touch with each other
Interesting fact - my husband had to have his right eye surgically removed in July of 2022 for health reasons. And we still practice Eye Gazing. Obviously I only have one eye to gaze into but I still feel deeply connected with him. And he always says ‘Oh I am so glad we did this I feel so relaxed now’
What I notice is I really see this man. I remember how much I love him and what a good man he is. I often just feel a depth of love towards him that I used to when we first met. And it always reminds me that over time love can fade and it can wax and wane, and this is so OK. Love changes and the most important thing is to keep checking in with each other and embracing the changes.
So if you want to boost up the loving connection give Eye Gazing a go!