There is one topic many long-term couples tend to avoid, not because it is unimportant, but because it feels too risky.
Too personal.
Too likely to lead to defensiveness or hurt feelings.
That topic?
Sex
More specifically: how often it happens, how satisfying it feels, how emotionally connected it is, and how life’s everyday stressors can quietly erode it over time.
Many couples fall into the trap of believing that sex should always be spontaneous, natural, or effortless, and that if it is “meant to be,” it should not require effort, planning, or discussion.
But just like anything else that matters in a relationship, intimacy needs care.
It needs space. And yes, sometimes, it needs to be talked about, even scheduled!
Rather than waiting for things to break down, some couples are starting a healthier habit: regular, honest check-ins about their sex life.
Not because something is wrong, but because they want to keep their connection strong.
These conversations might include questions like:
The goal is not to fix or blame. It is to tune in, together.
When couples normalise these discussions, sex becomes less of a taboo and more of a shared experience to nurture.
It becomes easier to speak up about preferences, stress, or emotional needs, without it sounding like criticism.
Sexual honesty, when approached with kindness and respect, becomes a sign of emotional maturity.
It says, “I trust you enough to be real.”
In fact, avoiding these conversations can do more harm than having them because silence often leads to resentment or distance.
Over time, unspoken issues can create what is often called “the drift” which is that slow, quiet erosion of touch, passion, and closeness.
One day, the intimacy that once felt natural has disappeared, and no one’s quite sure when it happened. Or if they do remember when it disappeared they often go into
the blame game and this in turn creates more distance and even more resentment.
That is why regular intimacy conversations aren’t a sign something is wrong.
They are relationship maintenance. It is just like checking in about finances, parenting, or plans for the future.
And scheduling these talks does not make intimacy feel mechanical. It can protect it! You don’t wait until the fire is out to add wood. You tend to it. You feed it. You check in.
If the conversation feels awkward at first, that is okay.
Discomfort is not a sign of failure, it is a sign that you are talking about something real.
And real connection requires a little vulnerability.
Whether it is once a month, once a season, or during a long walk on a Sunday, the most loving thing you can do for your relationship may not be a grand romantic gesture. It might be a quiet question:
“How are we doing in this part of our life together?”
A couple who deeply love each other, have built a life together, are raising their kids together, and are quietly struggling in their intimate life. She feels unseen and pressured. He feels rejected and undesired. They are simply caught in a cycle of miscommunication and unmet needs. That is why I created my 4 Cs of Intimacy framework, to help couples move from stuck to connected.
Learn more
Contrary to popular belief, people don't just "fall in" and "fall out" of love as if love were some sort of a trapdoor. It's usually a sign that something is not working for one or both partners. Usually it is unmet needs, unresolved resentment, disconnection, or lack of emotional intimacy. Falling out of love is rarely the end!
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What many couples don’t know is that there are different types of sexual desire. Once you understand whether you have spontaneous or responsive desire, you will realise that there is nothing wrong with you! What is most needed is an understanding between you and your partner to find ways to work with your different types of desire. And it is so possible!
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