One woman recently shared, “I lack the desire to have sex. I’ve felt like this for 3–4 years. Maybe once or twice a year I feel it — but mostly, I don’t.
And it’s affecting my relationship with my husband.”
This experience is more common than most people realise — and not a sign of being broken or losing love.
What many couples don’t know is that there are different types of sexual desire.
Spontaneous desire is what we typically see in movies — it appears out of nowhere, often early in relationships. It might be driven by novelty and hormones.
Or it might be just how you are.
Responsive desire is different.
It doesn't show up until after emotional closeness, affection, or physical touch begins.
It’s like a flame that needs gentle kindling, not a spark that ignites on its own.
And this is very common for women and even men
For many women and men — especially in long-term relationships or seasons of stress, parenting, or hormonal change — desire doesn’t lead, it follows.
This shift is normal, but if couples don’t understand it, they may fall into cycles of frustration, rejection, and distance.
The key is finding ways to communicate honestly with empathy, and creating space for intimacy that doesn’t rely on any pressure or needing an outcome or some
performance.
Desire can return. It just might need to be invited differently.
And this can be such fun once you start connecting with lightness and playfulness which comes when you get back into communicating honestly with kindness.
Many couples fall into the trap of believing that sex should always be spontaneous, natural and effortless. But just like anything else that matters in a relationship, intimacy needs care and sometimes it needs to be talked about, or even scheduled. Rather than waiting for things to break down, some couples are starting a healthier habit: regular, honest check-ins about their sex life because they want to keep their connection strong.
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Intimacy doesn’t thrive in conflict—it grows in connection. It's time to move away from blame and toward curiosity. Instead of asking “Who’s right?”, ask “What’s really going on for both of us?” We often expect ourselves to “just know” how to navigate intimacy and communication, but no one taught us how. There’s nothing wrong with you—you just need education and support.
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Your body and your mind feel exhausted, yet somewhere in the back of your mind, there is still a faint desire for intimacy. How can you want something yet feel too tired or even fearful of acting on it? The daily check list, stress and lack of quality down time, all take a toll on energy levels. With small adjustments, you can enjoy intimacy without pushing yourself beyond your limits.
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