Yes I know many humans think self pleasure is ‘let’s get out the toys’. And do not get me wrong, that is just one way!
I like to encourage humans to get more curious about their whole body, instead of going straight for the pleasure in the genitals.
The reason for this is that if you do the same thing over and over to feel sexually stimulated it means you need that exact same touch, taste, smell or just sensation to feel that pleasure or even get to that orgasm, every time. In other words your brain registers this and locks it in. Sometimes it can prevent your body from being able to be in the moment. It is when the mind can often take over as you try to make something happen.
So when you slow things down and are by yourself, your nervous system gets a chance to regulate and you can be totally present to your sensations and pleasure.
When you take your time and just experiment with your own body first, using different touches, smells, and sounds, your body will register many different ways to feel pleasurable sensations.
Once you have experienced these it also helps you share this with a partner so you can guide them to how you like to be touched or pleasured.
Here is a step by step guide to a conscious self pleasure practice -
By making time for yourself, it reminds you that you are important and that you are willing to commit to you so you might deepen this bond. Make it achievable so you are more likely to do it. Don’t go from zero to one hour every day. You might like to commit to 10-15 minutes 2-3 times a week, or even just once a week to start!
Find a comfortable place to sit or lie down. Just notice your breath. You do not need to change it just NOTICE it. And let your belly be soft.
As you breath let your belly fill first then imagine you are drawing your breath down into your pelvic bowl and genitals. Let your breath fill the whole of your torso. It is like you are pouring water into a large container. Next filling your lower ribs, then your chest and breast area, then your neck and all the way up to the top of your head. And notice your soft outward breath.
Notice how each of these parts respond to your breath. Do you notice any warmth? Or do you not notice anything? See if you can find that breath that feels delicious, comforting and down-regulating to you.
3. Can you notice any smells or fragrance?
Explore what scents can be felt in your body, if this makes sense to you. You may like a scented candle burning in the room or you may just enjoy the fresh air. You might like to have some essential oils nearby to bring near you to inhale.
Remember this is an exercise in getting present and expanding your awareness
4. Would you like to hear music or some sounds?
You could have some background music playing or you might prefer no sounds. Or you might like to moan, or sigh or breathe out with the sound of a long ahhhhhhh. Again this is about noticing if any sounds feel good to you and your body,
5. Finally, its about touch!
Just remember how much you are learning here. Now, before you rush for your erogenous zones, can you play with the areas of your body you might not consider your sexy ones.
Be aware of the contours of your face
Trace your shoulders and neck with your fingers.
Feel your waist and thighs
Try deep touch
Try light touch
But most of all GO SLOWLY!
During all of this pay attention to how your body feels. It may not just be about sexual touch, it might be soft stroking around different areas of your body, the backs of your knees, or the inside of your elbows, or inside of your lower arms, or anywhere really! Experiment! Play!
Be present to every bit of touch!
Notice everything that turns you on and everything that does not!
Understanding yourself and your body can help you elevate your sexual experiences!
When you feel the power of your pleasure the quality of your whole life changes!
Most of us have not been taught how to have pleasurable sexual experiences with each other, let alone speak confidently in detail about our needs. It is a bonus if it makes sense to both humans. Even if it feels uncomfortable and awkward, a couple can feel more deeply connected when they hear their partner voice their feelings openly.
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The science and research tells us that couples that maintain a sexual connection long-term prioritise having regular sexual pleasure together.
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I was reminded recently by one of my mentors, the wonderful Esther Perel, that Love is a Verb and for those of you who might remember their school English, a verb is what they call a doing word, ie it means you have to do something, take action. All these actions are ‘cushioning’ for your relationship. And when the ‘cushioning’ thins out and you have stopped doing the things you used to do regularly that you both enjoyed, this means you have NOT been conjugating the verb LOVE.
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