When someone says, "I'm falling out of love with you," it can feel like a crushing blow, but what does it really mean?
Contrary to popular belief, people don't just "fall in" and "fall out" of love as if love were some sort of a trapdoor.
Love isn't just a feeling - it's a series of actions, choices, and patterns built over time.
The leading relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman emphasizes that love is maintained through everyday interactions: turning toward each other, expressing
appreciation, and nurturing connection even during conflict.
When those actions stop, the feeling of love can begin to fade.
So when someone says they're falling out of love, it's usually a sign that something is not working for one or both partners. Usually it is unmet needs, unresolved
resentment, disconnection, or lack of emotional intimacy.
Often, one or both partners have stopped doing the very things that created the connection in the first place.
Love isn't a passive experience.
It's a verb. Do you remember what a verb is? It is a ‘doing’ word, ie, you have to actually do stuff, not just say it, or think it!
Being in love grows from doing the little things often and with consistency,
It includes investing in each other emotionally with eye contact - yes, not helpful when most humans are adopting the Vodafone pose frequently!
It includes listening and being present when you do it!
It involves kindness, showing you genuinely care for your partner so you reflect this with the words you choose.
It also includes being vulnerable, which can mean very different things but generally it is being able to show that side of you that doesn’t have all the answers, or being
honest and real when you feel a little worried or unhappy, rather than trying to always be super positive and solving every problem.
Sharing dreams and goals and planning time together adds to investing in your loving relationship.
It is being able to repair with each other when there has been an argument, rather than holding on to deep resentment.
The absence of these efforts is usually what leads to the sensation of "falling out."
The good news? Because love is built through behaviour, it can often be rebuilt.
If you or your partner feel disconnected, get curious with each other.
Falling out of love is rarely the end!
More often, it's a sign that your relationship needs some attending to.
Engaging a professional coach is often when you let each other know you are taking this seriously, investing in your relationship and you get a third person holding you
accountable so you can take the action required to rebuild that love together.
What many couples don’t know is that there are different types of sexual desire. Once you understand whether you have spontaneous or responsive desire, you will realise that there is nothing wrong with you! What is most needed is an understanding between you and your partner to find ways to work with your different types of desire. And it is so possible!
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Many couples fall into the trap of believing that sex should always be spontaneous, natural and effortless. But just like anything else that matters in a relationship, intimacy needs care and sometimes it needs to be talked about, or even scheduled. Rather than waiting for things to break down, some couples are starting a healthier habit: regular, honest check-ins about their sex life because they want to keep their connection strong.
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Intimacy doesn’t thrive in conflict—it grows in connection. It's time to move away from blame and toward curiosity. Instead of asking “Who’s right?”, ask “What’s really going on for both of us?” We often expect ourselves to “just know” how to navigate intimacy and communication, but no one taught us how. There’s nothing wrong with you—you just need education and support.
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