Belinda wiley

Is having different sex drives a problem?

Is having different sex drives a problem?

Why is it that a couple needs to have the same sex drive as each other?

Why does one partner start to feel resentment because they are not getting the sex they want or crave?

Why does the other partner feel guilty for not wanting the same amount of sex as their partner?

All great questions

And I say nothing is wrong here.   This is just excellent information for a couple to be aware of

The key here is to have a conversation and herein is where the resentment might start to build.   If an honest conversation can not be had by a couple then slowly someone starts to feel let down, unappreciated, not seen, not heard and they feel their needs are not being taken seriously.

And why is that?

Perhaps it is because each human will have a whole different set of ideas about how they want to have sex with their partner.

Perhaps it is because you have both got so used to having sex the same way, but one or both of you have forgotten to actually use your words and say it is not working anymore! There is no shame in this! Our needs change in all areas of life, sex included!

In the beginning of your relationship it might have felt like you were on the same page and had sex whenever you both wanted and it felt like yaay we have the same sex drive, or maybe you didn’t but one partner became more accommodating than the other and either gave in and said yes even when they were really a no!      And that is very common

What does happen is once a relationship gathers longevity, or if children come into the picture or there are health issues or stress and worry in life, humans change.  Needs shift, communication can often get less clear.   Each human will find their own coping mechanisms in times of difficulty and often the intimate needs of the relationship get relegated to the bottom of the To Do List.    Sad I know.    Because if everyone knew the health benefits of regular sex, it would be at the top of the LIST. Yes oxytocin and dopamine are released during orgasm. Oxytocin or the 'love hormone' is thought to promote feelings of connection and bonding with a partner and dopamine is a 'feel good' neurotransmitter connected to the reward centre of the brain. The whole performance can be over all life giving to every human!

This is where I often come in and listen and begin to see that this couple love each other, they are the best of friends, love their kids and their life but seem to have mismatched sex drives.

Is this really it?     Yes and No

A couple can get into a rut and do the same thing over and over and one partner is happy with this and the other is not.  Simple as that really.     Only problemo is no one really wants to name this and then move towards finding a solution.

First step is communicating in a way that a couple both learn to listen to each other, then learn to really let their partner know that they heard what they had to say, they have their back, they want them to be happy and lets see if we can find a solution.

This of course takes time to learn to listen, to speak and really hear each other.  But once these foundational communication skills are learned, you will have them for life.

‘Everything is figureoutable’ quote from Marie Forleo, and I agree

But no human is a total mind reader, although this may not be far off!    So telling each other how you are feeling about sex and what your desires are is mostly not something everyone is focussing on on the regular.

Once you do take some time to picture how you want your sex life to look like then you can move towards having it the way you want it or at least imagine something that feels interesting and a little enticing and a turn on. Share this with your lover and keep talking honestly and yes it might need some vulnerability. But it is so worth it!

It is all possible!  It just takes two people to commit and move towards your mutual intention of having amazing pleasurable intimacy again, however you both imagine it to look like! And then ...... take some action together!

Want my 2 fave practices for more turn-on in your relationship? 🔥

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